Am I The Villain?

“What the hell do you want Mary”

“My lord, your land prospers, your glory reflects. This very festival held in your honor, hosting all of your adoring subjects, rages with joy, yet you’ve confined yourself apart from us all. We seek you my lord.”

“my lord. your land. your glory… As though it was my hand that poured the rain.” I mocked. “Goddamnit you’re a sheep.”

–

Casting an ominous shadow over the land, I, and my tower loom large. The people say it protects them from the sun. Damned fools. If I were to take a piss off of it they’d say I made the crops grow. Personified disdain was perched 99 stories up on the edge of my railless balcony. If I were to fall, the fuckers would probably try to catch me.

Solemnly I peered over this profane festival. Sharpened eyes narrowed in a condemning slit, coiled under my eyebrows angled towards hell. The look of analytical disgust.

Lost was the idea of a public servant. Hell, lost was the idea of even a king. Today, we elected not leaders, but gods. The churches were empty and the courts were full. Once you’ve seen, faith is no more, but eyesight is deceivable. Everyone watches me as though I watch over them. Fine, then I guess it’s me who filters the light into your eyes, meaning I decide who’s god, meaning I decide who’s satan.

–

Do good deeds and give the glory to God. The purpose of man. That’s how I lived; but I also felt like it was how I hid. What awaits a man whose actions are selfless but motives are vain? A conundrum in the afterlife. But damnit… show me a man untethered from vanity. Less I pretend to understand, but did not even Christ expect His throne? Damnit. I’m sorry Lord… no one justifies better than a man riddled with guilt.

Years and years spent swimming with sharks fighting for capital. I have so much shame. Sometimes I think I’m so convoluted that even God won’t understand my motives. Sometimes I wonder, am I the villain? Nonetheless I trusted in my plan, I just had to trust in God’s mercy as well.

Buying, selling, building, destroying, acquainting, deceiving, thieving all while grieving. But in whose name? God’s? Or my own? You can’t serve two masters. Christ never did evil for good intentions, He just did good. Well, if Christ is the light, then I’ll be the darkness He shines through.

–

Prior to my return the land was a travesty. Stricken with sickness, hunger, and homelessness it was on its dying breath while its corrupted leadership floated carelessly ascendant.

“Don’t say it… Don’t you dare say it… I-… I-… ALRIGHT!” My defeated humility snarled at my pride… “I saved the land.” I admitted to myself in shame.

One who takes credit is an ungrateful thief. I did no more than my mother who nursed me, or my teacher who taught me, or even the lowly street vendor who offered me wisdom, and certainly no more than my Lord who saved me. Humility is a law of reality, but damnit, once said, it can’t be unsaid, “I saved the land.” Am I the villain?

Billions of dollars poured into healthcare, food, and housing. Recruitment of top professionals. Restructuring of government. Reallocation of funds. You name it. Anything that was needed to turn the tides. But I was always seen doing it. Helping build affordable houses. Boom, cameras everywhere. Lending a hand at the food drive. Boom, front page. Even just visiting the sick at hospitals, not helping a damn thing. Boom, headlines. Why the fuck did I do all that stupid shit? “You’re instilling hope!” My advisement patronizes me. But my face was never needed. I shoveled it down their throats and sold it as medicine. Now look at me, passing judgment on the blasphemous land that I condemned myself. “You’re spreading the vision!” they’d say to me. Ironic, considering I was blind.

–

I don’t ask God for much. I’ve got a bad relationship with hope. Plus, why should I be so cavalier in assuming that I know what I need, what’s best for me. Why pray for success when it may be best that I fail? Why pray for riches when it may be best that I’m poor? Honor dictates acknowledging He knows best, and thanking Him for sending it, no matter if it’s fire or rain.

However, I believe there are things He’ll never deny us. Courage, Understanding, Wisdom, Love. And so in the midst of my confliction, wrestling a decision of epic consequence, there’s nothing for me to do but to ask and trust.

There were only two others in the church. The church I was raised in. Of a time where people had nothing. Nothing but a testimony. But you just couldn’t stop them from singing. A complaint would’ve sounded foreign. Like when you hear lyrics to a song but you have no relation to them, so they just fly over your head. If it came out of my grandmother’s mouth it was a praise. What else is even worthy to make light of? I observed all of that in this very building structure, but to call this place a church is an insult. A church is a people, of likemind.

Kneeling, praying fervorously at the front of the sanctuary, I didn’t notice the amount of people increasing. That two turned to six and that six turned to twelve. And before long I lifted my head to see dozens and counting. Cheers, giggles, stares, flashes. It was embarrassing. There I was, overseeing man’s altar being built in God’s house. Am I the villain?

“My Lord. Will you sign my book? You mean so much to me.” The little girl spoke. No more than an innocent eight. And as though I was the author, she eagerly extended her arms out towards me holding a bible and a pen; wanting me to vandalize God’s word with my signature… Tears.

I prayed for understanding and this was my answer. My mind was made.

I am the villain.

Well aware of my gazing audience now in the hundreds, I prepared to make my introduction. The tears had evaporated off my hot face, leaving just the salty residue of my scorn. Casting my murky consciousness, I branded her with a look she’d never forget. And with my scowling eyes taking hers into a chokehold I grabbed the pen, and calmly snapped it in half.

“Foolish child… I wouldn’t sign your goddamn death certificate.”

Frigid silence.

“The next time you open this book, you better read about to how to pray… and who to fucking pray to.”

A man interjects, “My Lord if I may -“

And with no visible transition my hand was now seizing his breath. “You may not.” I said morbidly. “You’re here because you think I saved you huh? Well do tell, where will you turn when you need to be saved from me?”

Now a woman, “How can you speak in such a way to people you love?”

“AHAHAHA. Awwww. She thinks I love her. I guess the pig being fattened for slaughter probably thinks the farmer loves it too.”

–

After no sight or word months following that commencing outburst, the cataclysm continued. One of those ‘where were you when this happened’ moments. One of those rare moments that signify the beginning of a new chapter. Summer time, town square, broad day, full sunlight.

“Attention citizens!” My right hand announces. “Our gracious leader is here today with a demonstration, ushering us into the new phase of our prosperity. We were once a nation that thrived off of charity. Now, we will be a nation that thrives off of loyalty!”

Lowly on his knees, petrified confusion stained our victims face as his vision was returned, and there I was clouding over him, eclipsing the sun, beaming in his eyes. He stared at a stone face in which no remorse was carved.

“Wh- Wh- What’s what’s going on?” He said shakily.

The silent crowd could sense my ominous atmosphere and the tension screeched loudly.

“Here today, we have a man who has received so much grace, yet, he shows no gratitude. Having once been on the precipice of death, our leader’s rescuing crusade put him back on his feet and he was able to start his own business!” He clapped sarcastically, but no one clapped with him. “Unfortunately, after years of successful ownership, he has yet to pay a dime in taxes. Squandering his money on whores and liquor. After all he’s received! Ooooh and time and time again, he has been forgiven! We showed him mercy after threatening to fine him, we showed him mercy after threatening to jail him, but today we intend to show that our mercy has depleted, and that now is the time of harvest. Give to God what is God’s and give to Caesar what is Caesar’s!”

*Ch Ch* I cocked the hand gun, I pointed it down onto his skull, and with one last expressionless look, I blew his fucking brains out. Numb, devoid of emotion, I then walked head-down through the stunned crowd, and I disappeared.

–

That moment marked the genesis of my tyrannical rule. Wages were cut while taxes and expenses soared. Labor was doubled. Military drafts rampantly snatched the lives of men. Police were unhinged, authorized and encouraged to exhibit force. And pity on anybody who broke the law. Gloom hung its constant cloud over the once jubilant land. So I could almost rest.

–

“I’m leaving.” Mary said sternly.

She had snuck up behind me as I sat on the edge of my balcony. The full moon was within my reach. Wanting to be alone was a concept unfathomable to her. I hated people like that.

“Did you hear me?! I. Am. Leaving. I MEAN IT!” She reiterated.

“I heard you.”

“Wow, and after everything, you can’t even turn around and look me in the eye. There is something seriously wrong with you and God help -“

“That’s Enough. Goodbye Mary.”

Her heels reverberating was the sweet soundtrack to my solitude. Its sonic quality was hollow and cold like my heart. I could listen over and over again. I loved it, I loved saying goodbye. As the echo trailed off my grin stretched, but then its halt was like plucking a dissonant chord.

“You know what? No. I put my blood into helping you restore this land! Can’t you imagine the bond I feel to it, to you? Having watched it go from ash to glory and then right back down to ash again. Same thing with you. To see you go from beloved leader to hated tyrant tears me apart! Because… because I know you. I know you would offer up your beating heart if it meant saving another man’s life. And that’s why for the life of me, I jus-, I just can’t understand this! Why would you decimate all that you built?! Are you even listening to me?! Constantly just floating off in your world. ‘Population of one’.” She mocked. “Well you know what? All that isolation has separated you from reality, from truth. Because right now, I bet your head is drowning with corrosive, fallible ideas that are just left to run rampant due to your seclusion. You love the bible so much, SHOW ME A CHARACTER WHO DID EVERYTHING ALONE! My Lord, please, just talk to me. Give me an explanation. Make me understand. It’s not too late, we can turn things around, together. You’ve just gotta let me in.”

Slowly I rose to my feet, turned around, and revealed to her my displeased face. Calmly, “I said.. Goodbye Mary.”

And in that moment she turned into a conduit channeling all of the land’s hatred for its fallen idol; and she charged at me. I had no intentions of harming her, but I had to follow suit. Cruelty is my mercy.

“IS THIS WHAT YOU WANT?! YOU WANNA SEE WHAT’S INSIDE MY HEAD?!” Gripping her hair, now threatening to discard her off the edge. “Darkness. Wickedness. Violence. THAT’S EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW!” I nudged her closer.

“NO! I DON’T BELIEVE YOU! IT’S NOT TRUE! IT’S NOT TRUE!” She wailed through her sobs.

“Well then I guess there’s nothing left to do but to show you Mary.” Nudging her closer.

“THEN JUST FUCKING DO IT! But when I’m gone, just promise me you won’t let this act corrode who you really are. Because you can pretend to be the villain all you want, but you’ll have to kill me to make me believe it.”

–

As my reputation had now plummeted, I was free to fade away from the gaze of the public eye, hoping to be more forgotten than hated. But the mission wasn’t to stop doing good. And with my help, several public aid operatives sprung up to care for the needs of the land. The people were just fine.

In need of hope, church numbers began to rise again and that cloud of gloom began to pass. So finally, I could rest. We’ll see what Jesus has to say about it all someday. I just couldn’t shake His hand as an imposter.